These are my “cliff notes” from the book Children Are From Heaven by John Gray, PhD. It is a phenomenal book on positive parenting skills and techniques. If you have the chance to read the entire book, I highly recommend it.

• The five steps of positive parenting: 

1.) Ask don’t order, “Would you please…?”

2.) Listen and nurture, don’t fix

3.) Offer a reward, don’t punish

4.) Command, don’t demand, “I want you to…”

5.) Give time outs, don’t spank.

• Say Would You or Will You NOT Could You or Can You- Give up Rhetorical Questions, Lectures and Explanations, Be Direct and Positive. Negative feelings should not be shared with children. The most powerful word for creating cooperation is “Let’s.” Until age 9 children have not formed a sense of self. Whenever possible, invite children to participate with you in some activity. Instead of “Don’t” use “I want.” When you say “don’t run” children will form an inner picture of themselves running. Instead of slowing down they have a greater urge to run. Children learn through pictures. When children picture something in their minds eye, action is soon to follow. It is as if they don’t even hear the word “don’t.”  By rephrasing their command or request in the positive, the intended picture will get created. If you happen to say “don’t run” then adjust the “don’t” and say “I want you to slow down and walk.”

• Take time to listen to your children’s resistance. Give them the message again and again that they are seen and heard. “I know you want a cookie now. You are really angry because you want a cookie, and I won’t give you one.” It is hard to keep resisting when you are being heard and understood. Under children’s resistance is first anger, then sadness, then fear. Parents must be careful to listen more and hold back from trying to solve their problems to make them feel better.

• The alternative to punishment is reward. Getting more or the anticipation of getting more awakens something inside, and a child jumps up with a big yes. Parents need to try “catching” the child doing things right. From ages 4-9 make a chart of a few chores and positive behaviors, use bright colorful stickers for any completed for that day, don’t put any attention on things they didn’t do. After 25 stars, they get to do something special like twice as much reading time or a game. If they resist, they are not getting what they need. The reward of time always works. “If you cooperate with me now, then I will have more time to do something special with you later.” Once a teen is making and spending money then money can also be used as a reward. Each time you ask your children to give a little more and give them a little more, they are learning they deserve more when they give more and they learn to put off their immediate want in favor of some greater want in the future.

• Before using a command, the first step is simply to ask and not to demand. If the child resists your request the next step is to nurture and listen.  If listening isn’t enough, then step three is to offer a reward. If offering a reward doesn’t work, then step four is to assert your leadership and command. In a firm but calm voice, “I want you to put your clothes away” “I want you to get ready for bed” “I want you to stop talking in there and go to sleep.” The most powerful assertive technique is to repeat your command with confidence and the child will soon yield.

• Time Outs- One minute of time out should be given for every year of his/her life starting at two years old, after age 14, time outs are rarely necessary. Almost all children need time outs on a regular basis to learn how to regain control when emotions become too strong to control. Children at nine or ten who have been raised with time outs will automatically begin to take time outs on their own when they become stressed, negative, or argumentative. Time outs are a last resort after the first four steps of positive parenting. An ideal time out is accomplished when a parent puts a child in a room and holds the door shut. It is a natural expression of resistance for a child to try to get out. Do not lock the door or leave which creates the feeling of abandonment. Let them know repeatedly that you are not going anywhere, you are just on the other side of the door, and they will soon be able to come out. When children ask why they have to take a time out, the simple answer is “When we go out of control, we need a time out.” It is not helpful to say they need some time to think about what they did wrong, this creates guilt. As children cooperate, they will automatically learn what is right and wrong they do not need to be told they are bad or wrong. All they need is to feel the emotions that come up and automatically they will come back into control. Time outs are to be used as a last resort or at times you don’t have time to move through the other four steps of positive parenting. A parent might say to an argumentative teenager “This isn’t working.  I want you to take some time in your room to cool off and then we can talk again.”  After the age of nine, children get three strikes, then a time out.

• Sensitive children- Require greater assistance. Rather than expecting them to clean their room ask them to join in to help you. By doing things together they will slowly become more independent.

• Responsive children- May feel cleaning a room is too much and they need to move on to something else which is easier and less time consuming. Parents need to give them the opportunity to move from one thing to another.

• Receptive children- Generally don’t require commanding. They tend to be more accommodating. If they resist it is often because the parent expects them to make a change before they are sufficiently prepared.

• Active children- Respond best to commanding in private. Take them to the side or into another room to command their cooperation. Active children in particularly little boys will tend to need more time outs. If they need more it doesn’t mean something is wrong with them or your approach.

• Preparation and Structure- when their activities are thought out for them, their abundant energy can flow freely without getting them into trouble. “This is what we are going to do. First, we will play on the swings and then we will go over to the jungle gym. Each of you will get two-minute turns and then we will switch.”

• Distraction and Direction- when they forget your instructions they are not trying to annoy or resist you. They should never be shamed for this tendency. Distract with anything they can see, hear, touch, taste or play with.  Direct with singing songs, reading, making up stories.

Children should feel taken care of up to age 7, between age 7-14 children should focus on having fun and playing with friends and family. Children learn to be responsible by having responsible parents and learn to work hard by observing their parents work hard. Hard work is not needed until puberty.

Do not allow children to hear or watch the news up to age 7.

Use “Now let’s do this…” and “Now we will…”

As a general rule it is not a good idea to ask children what they want, like, need, think or even how they feel. Instead, suggest and they will either accept or resist.

• Ritual and Rhythm- Set times to eat, sleep, play, special time with mommy or daddy, a time to pick out clothes etc.

“Now it’s time to do this…” “Now we are going to…”

     When they resist doing new things, be gentle and never force participation.

     To feel special, children need special activities at special times.

• The cycles of seven. During the first seven years children are primarily dependent on the parent or primary caretaker to develop a sense of self. During ages 7-14 children are still dependent on the parents but a shift takes place and they become more dependent on siblings, relatives, and friends to determine a positive sense of self. During this time parents should try to make things as fun, safe and easy as possible. Too much pressure to make good grades or do chores can prevent children from developing the ability to be happy and enjoy their time. During ages 14-21 they look to peers and others with similar goals and expertise to help define and develop their sense of self. When children have learned how to get what they need in the first seven years and how to have a good time in the second stage, then they are ready to work hard and discipline themselves in the third stage.

• A child should not be exposed to violent acts or sex on TV or in movies until age 14.  Even without those acts, television and movies can be overstimulating and one of the most common reasons children act out or can’t control themselves.

• It is never appropriate to ground a child for days, weeks or even months. When dealing with difficult behavior problems parents need to listen more and get their kids to talk.  Instead of telling children why they are wrong, ask probing questions like “what do you think about that?”, “what do you think I could do to help you”, “what more do you want from me?”

• It is ok to be different- Girls need more caring, boys need more trust. Caring is a willingness to be there for your children, an interest in their wellbeing and who they are, a desire for their happiness and empathy for their pain. Trust is a recognition that everything is okay, it’s an awareness and belief in your children’s ability to succeed and learn from their mistakes. Trust assumes that your child is always doing their best even if it doesn’t look that way. It gives freedom and space for children to do for themselves. Up to age nine all children need more caring and a little less trust. From age 9-18 children have a greater need for trust, although caring is still important. Boys form a positive sense of self based on the trust they get, while girls form a positive sense of self based on the interest and caring attention they get. A girl has a greater need to feel that she can trust her parents to be there and understand her feelings, wishes, and needs. A boy needs to be motivated by success and rewards. Positive rewards for right behaviors are clear signals to him that he has succeeded as well. Give him lots of space to do something on his own and if he does fail do not tell him “I told you so.” Give up trying to solve your children’s problems unless they ask, and your children will be happier. For every correction you do make, make sure you have caught and acknowledged your child for doing something right three times. Three positives to one negative are a good ratio. A big difference between boys and girls is that boys forget, and girls remember. Up to the age of nine, when a boy forgets it is never his fault. Body types: to be a good role model parents need to be accepting of their own bodies and be vigilant about staying at a healthy weight. One of the biggest mistakes parents make is to compare their children to one another. Remember that every child is different and make sure that you don’t ever compare children.

• It is ok to make mistakes- When children see their parents apologizing on a regular basis, they gradually learn to be accountable for their own mistakes. Instead of teaching children to apologize, parents demonstrate. “I apologize for yelling at you. You did not deserve to be yelled at. Yelling is not a good way to communicate.  I made a mistake.” Yelling disconnects children from their desire to be guided. The first nine years are a time to develop innocence, then during the following nine years children learn to become responsible. When a child is younger than nine a parent should ignore, overlook, or have a neutral attitude about the child’s mistakes. The innocent child self-corrects, not because he has done something wrong, but to imitate his parents and to cooperate. In some cases, a child may need to be told two hundred times before learning a behavior. If you get upset about children’s mistakes, they will feel bad, but that doesn’t in any way mean they have learned anything except to fear your reactions and suppress their will. When children continue to make disturbing mistakes or forget what you asked, it is often because they are not getting the structure, rhythm, or supervision that they need. Children learn to be respectful of objects and others not by being held accountable or responsible but by seeing their parents are respectful. The ability to be responsible for mistakes and make amends is developed by experiencing again and again parents making amends for their mistakes. In this way, children not only learn to be accountable, but also learn to make it up or pay for their mistakes in a responsible and appropriate manner. Making amends is simply making things better after making a mistake.

• It is ok to express negative emotions- What parents suppress children will express, in addition to their own upset feelings.

Don’t Say“When you climb that tree, I’m afraid you will fall”

Do Say “Climbing trees is not completely safe. I only want you to climb when I am around”

With regular time outs from two to nine years old, children will gradually learn how to regulate and how to communicate negative feelings. Children tend to have more intense emotions than adults do because they do not develop the ability to reason until they are nine years old. Regular tantrums are normal and natural up to age nine. If children do not have the opportunity to throw enough tantrums, instead of outgrowing this phase of development, they continue to throw tantrums for the rest of their lives. Listening to our children express negative emotions helps them develop their ability to feel. It is important for children to know that they are not bad for resisting a time out or for having to take one. It is seen simply as a natural part of growing up. When parents give solutions, children become dependent on solutions to feel better and don’t learn to accept life’s setbacks with a positive attitude. Instead of giving a solution, just feel her disappointment along with her and then after five seconds say something simple like “I know, it is really disappointing.” Very quickly a child’s mood will begin to change. More than anything children need a clear message that for life to be okay, they don’t need positive things to happen all the time.  When a child says “you don’t understand” stop immediately and bite the bullet. Say something like “You’re right, I don’t understand. Tell me again.” When parents react to their children’s negative emotions with more negative emotions it doesn’t make children feel safe to express negative emotion. Eventually children become numb to their feelings when it is not safe to express them. It is fine for children to share feelings with each other or with parents, but it is not ok for parents to share negative emotions with kids. Telling a child “I am worried you will get hurt” or “I am sad that you didn’t call”, has the gradual effect of making the child feel manipulated and controlled by negative feelings. Instead, an adult should say “I want you to be more careful” or “I want you to call me next time.” They literally take on your negative feelings and then act them out. One way to determine if your child is acting out your feelings or their feelings is the resistance test. If you resist their feelings, then clearly, they are expressing some of what you are resisting in yourself. If you are able to listen patiently with empathy, then clearly, they are not acting out your unresolved feelings. If you do feel resistance, it is a clear sign you need to take some time for yourself to nurture your own needs. When parents argue they should always do it in another room otherwise their children assume too much guilt. When children even witness mistreatment of others, they will assume responsibility.

• It’s ok to want more- By giving your child permission to ask for more, you give that child the gift of direction, purpose, and power in life. Adjusting your will to give children what they want is not a great crime.  It gives a clear and healthy message that parents listen and learn, and it demonstrates healthy respect and flexibility. Adjusting your will becomes caving in when your motive is to avoid confrontation. All children are born with a tremendous enthusiasm.  This is the force of their will. When wanting more is accepted, this will is nurtured and can grow in harmony with their parents and others. Parents are too quick to teach the virtues of gratitude instead of giving their children permission to want more. “Be grateful for what you have” is too quick a reply to a child’s desire for more. Many adults don’t give themselves permission to want more in life because they are afraid of appearing ungrateful for what they have. The secret of success, both inner and outer, is to appreciate what you have and to want more. When giving a child permission to ask for more parents must understand and accept that sometimes a child wants way too much or seem very selfish. At these times, instead of judging or disapproving, parents need to give acceptance and understanding. A child cannot be expected to always know what is appropriate to ask for. It’s a process of trial and error. Most of the time to end a negotiation parents can use redirection. A mother might say “I understand you are disappointed. I wish I could wave a beautiful magic wand and give you what you want, but I can’t.  Let’s do this instead…” When parents remember clearly that they are not required to say yes, they can say no without feeling guilty. Make sure that you make requests using “will” would” “please” and “thank you.”  Instead of telling them not to be disrespectful model a better way they could have expressed the request. When a four year old says “daddy give me that!” simply say in response “daddy, would you give me that? Sure, I would be happy to give you that.”  Then simply give him what he asked for as if he had said those words. Children who are raised with strong wills will not submit to the will of a tyrant, nor will they seek to crush the will of others by dominance.

• Its ok to say no, but remember mom and dad are the bosses- Giving children permission to feel and verbalize their resistance when it occurs not only helps children develop a sense of self, but also make children more cooperative. Until the age of nine a child doesn’t need choices. Having too many choices pushes a child to grow up too soon. They need strong parents who know what is best for them, but who are also open to hearing their resistance and discovering their wants and wishes. Children are not ready to be self-employed, they need a boss. To listen to a child’s resistance means to consider what he or she is feeling and wanting and to decide what is best and then to persist. Around age 12-14 it is time to begin asking teens what they think. Children need to be protected from a bad teacher, a rough crowd at school, evening news etc. It is not until age 14 that a child can consistently think abstractly, understand, or propose hypothetical situations, reason logically on their own, and look at issues from another’s point of view.  Until age nine children have a different kind of memory.  They can remember words, thought and concrete actions. It is unrealistic to ask a child younger than nine to remember to bring his lunch box or to put something away. He can learn these behaviors by repeated guidance and repetition but not be expected just to remember because it makes sense. It is wounding when a parent gets frustrated and says, “How could you forget.” They didn’t forget because they couldn’t remember in the first place.  The best a parent can do is simply ask “would you please get your lunch box?” or would you please put that away?” The permission to say no and want more creates strong negative emotions when more is not achieved. The expression of these strong emotions not only gives children the opportunity to learn how to manage negative emotions, but also increases children’s ability to look within and feel. By making it ok to express negative emotions, a feeling awareness is generated that is necessary to connect child to parent.

• Improving Communication With Teens- With teens, parents need to be careful not to offer unsolicited advice. Even if they ask you what you think, don’t answer before first asking them what they think. Even when you don’t agree their point of view, you can at least appreciate their logic. You might say “I would never have thought of that” or “Well, I don’t agree but that sure make sense” Or “that’s the good thing about America, everyone has the right to his own opinion”. Before giving a command, parents should first ask for cooperation, listen to the teen’s resistance, and respect the teens opinion. If your teen comes home from school telling stories about kids breaking the rules, behaving disrespectful, or engaging in inappropriate sex, parents must be careful to exercise restraint and not immediately begin preaching, teaching, correcting, or threatening. Instead of reacting directly, parents first need to ask the teen what he or she thinks.  Then the parent could ask, “What do you think I think about that?” Remember teens will keep talking to you if you keep listening to what they think. It is more important to keep the lines of communication open than to do anything about problems.