It’s Not About The Orgasm

I often dreamt of becoming a sex therapist in my teenage years. I read everything about sex I could get my hands on, submerged myself in YM magazine, and listened intently to late night radio with sex therapist Dr. Judy. I was extremely curious about this topic which seemed so taboo especially in religion and family discussions. My experiences have ranged from extraordinary sexual partners to not-so-great sexual partners. Most came from long-term relationships with a couple short term connections along the way. Until I entered my 30’s, I was unaware something existed far beyond what I had experienced with sex throughout my 20’s. It was not until I entered into a conscious relationship did I awaken to what I had been missing. The good side is, I have experienced the kind of sex many women believe does not exist. The down side is, its hard to find. I experienced a lover who had mastered the art of sacred and tantric sex. I had told him many times he needed to teach others, but his response was that it can not be taught. I agree and disagree. I have written about certain aspects which set this kind of sex apart from the rest. But as always, reading about something and experiencing it are two different realms. My closest girlfriends were in awe and envy during this time of extraordinary sex in my life and I know women long for amazing lovers. So here is what I learned, and I sincerely hope you too get to experience this kind of sex in your lifetime.

#1- Cut Down On The Porn

My former lover was not a fan of porn. The only porn he would entertain were those containing massage and were slow and sensual. Porn is created as a performance and a lot of men can end up in this pornographic performance mindset at some point during sex. The connection is lost in porn. It is about the visual and the audio. If these are the impressions you have been gathering in your mind, it is time to replace them. This is one reason many women have lost hope in their sexual relationships. They assume “all men” are like that, and resort to faking orgasm (which of course you feel you have to lie about later).

#2- Stop Talking

If you need a woman to talk dirty to you in order to achieve pleasure, you may be more in your imagination and fantasy rather than being present with the woman in front of you. It is okay to do an occasional check-in or whisper something sexy in her ear, but save the talking for after the love making. Sometimes having sex in the dark is the best way to go because it forces the other person to feel. You have to explore with your senses. It is more important to feel the responses she makes with her body and vice versa. When you begin a dialogue with her, you risk going back into your mind and out of the experience. A large part of deep connecting is staying out of the mind and learning about your partner through feeling. Learn from her body, not her words. If you want to know each other’s likes and dislikes save the discussion for outside the bedroom and then put it to practice next time you hit the sheets.

#3- Kissing

There is no such thing as too much kissing! Kissing is 100% essential to great sex. Try kissing for at least twenty minutes or more before doing anything else and see what happens. It is the best way to connect, stay connected and to turn your woman on. Take her arms, kiss them up and down in between kissing her lips and neck while never trying to undress her. Your partner will wonder, “where did this man come from?” Even if you are having sex and you end up behind her, keep the skin to skin contact and make-out with her from behind. It can be done! Sacred sex is about never losing the connection and kissing helps keep that connection the entire time.


How many of us love receiving massages? If you want great sex, give her a full body massage for thirty to forty-five minutes before sex or trade off with each other. This is a great way to relax your partner and build greater intimacy. If you feel you are not “good” at massage, take a class and get good! Imagine having mind blowing sexual experiences that last for multiple hours while feeling like time stood still. I kid you not guys, the women I know will desire this kind of sex EVERY day, sometimes multiple times a day! This is the kind of sex people make time for- ALWAYS (minus global catastrophes and family emergencies). So if your partner is not up for sex, get with the program!

#5-Get Out Of Your Head

Attend personal growth or spiritual workshops, meditation classes or a yoga retreat. These modalities will help you become more present, stay in feel and quiet the mind. My former lover and I had amazing sex before he took The Avatar Course, and life-changing sex after he took The Avatar Course. I have a joke among many of my friends who are Avatar Masters about “sex before Avatar, and sex after Avatar.” Not only are you losing the junk and baggage that may keep you from being fully present and connected, but you also learn how to quiet the mind without meditation. To me, there is no greater gift you could give yourself than a quiet mind. Imagine feeling no separation with your partner and truly merging as one. It is indescribable, unforgettable and the closest you may ever feel with anyone in your lifetime. So if you want to improve your relationship in and out of the bedroom, this is just one more good reason to take the Avatar Course.

#6-Become Your Partner

I asked my former lover how he came to be such an amazing lover. His response was he did to me what he felt he would like to be done to him. I mean, it sounds so simple. However, when men have been filling their minds with porn alongside with socially indoctrinated expectations that make them feel they have to perform, this idea goes right out the window. When a man is truly connected he enjoys the sensuality, the slowness, the touching, the kissing and the exploring as much as she does. This is also a great way to show him what you like. Act as if his body was your own, this will blow his mind and encourage him to return the favor. Also, do your best not to lose contact. Try to stay inside your partner while changing positions. This may take some practice but it will begin to flow, just treat it like dancing. It is okay if you come apart but the practice of staying inside your partner while changing positions can make a big difference.


This was something we both agreed made our sex life fantastic.  Nothing was off limits. We could tell each other anything, ask anything, and freely express our feelings. My former lover continually asked me if there was anything on my mind. If it had to do with him, he didn’t get upset he just listened, valued my feelings, and took what I said into consideration. I did the same for him. In doing so, there wasn’t anything between us keeping us from fully opening up to each other. Sometimes even before having sex we would lie together to talk and get things out of our minds beforehand. Good communication is a big part of personal development. If you are arguing with your partner, can’t express your true feelings, or find it hard to open up, commit to doing some work on yourself which will help create an open and loving space for both of you to share from.

#8-It’s Not About The Orgasm

This is a tantric sex technique and it works wonders. Forgoing the expectation for either of you to orgasm takes the pressure off and allows for a deep, intimate experience to unfold. The goal is to touch, kiss, experience, taste and become immersed in the body you are exploring. You get to experience oneness with another being and this is truly incredible when treated as such. Engage in foreplay for at least thirty minutes beforehand and THEN have sex! It’s about enjoying the experience, taking your time and feeling what each moment feels like. In the beginning my former lover would have to tell ME to slow down! I was so used to men who just wanted the end goal. There were also times he wouldn’t allow me to do anything to him. He would spend a good amount of time tracing my body, kissing me and laying with me without any other expectation. This creates a build up, a desire and a safe space for your partner. The bonus to this kind of sex is both of your orgasms end up being the most intense, beautiful, sacred experiences because it was never the goal or expected to begin with.

Bottom line-Don’t lose the connection. Kiss her, take your time, hold her hand while you are exploring her body, treat her as the most beautiful person you have ever seen, let go of the orgasm, focus on the magic of oneness and do it as often as you possibly can :).

*The postings on this site are my own and do not represent Stars Edge Internationals positions, strategies or opinions.


Boy. As someone who has studied ALOT about what you speak to….you nailed it from a feeling place. Thank you. My wish is for Everyone to explore, experiment and experience this…AND MORE! I adore you Karen ????


Great Article!

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